We have been sold a counterfeit philosophy of love which I am not even sure where we bought it from.

The kind of love where we think we cannot breathe without our significant other; as if they were some sort of air.

The kind of love that makes us vulnerable.
The type that makes us want to go against our creator or the teachings of our religion or what we even stand for.

Like moth attracted to flame, we are so much attracted towards that type of love that consumes us. We feel if love does not make us vulnerable then it isn’t love. If we do not lose our sense of logic or intellect, then it is not love.

We glorify the love we see on social media, or in real life. Which makes us question if the people around us are truly in love with us.

We question the possibility of us ever finding that kind of love that’s suffocating love; leaves us in utter despair at any sight of a break up.

Do not get me wrong, I am a fan of love, I just cannot help but have a mixed emotion towards it; I want it but I am afraid of it.

“Do I need it?”
Is something I am yet to decipher.
“Can I have it in the purest form which I wish I could?”
Another question that bugs me.
“Can the one I love ever love me the way I need to be loved?”

On a personal level, I am in love with someone currently, which for the most part of it is an unrequited love.

It is sad, that there are times when I feel like I have nothing just because I do not have the love of this said person.

It is sad that despite this person not conforming to my idea of an ideal partner, I still cannot help but love this person.

It is even more sad that I have worked all possible permutations and combinations of how this person could be bad for me, but I still cannot help but love this person.

If people read this, they will probably feel “Wow, you are so in love with him”. But is it really love?

If it is, then is this the kind of love that I want or better yet need?

I do not want the kind of love that makes me lose sleep over another human.

Or the kind of love that feels like a bondage where I cannot be myself without that person.

Prior to the last few days, I used to feel special, like my love was one in a million so I felt like anybody who got me as a lover, should be grateful.

I was/am willing to give it all up for the person I love.

But the truth is, am I or are we really that special?
How many people that felt this much special about themselves still got dumped?

I am not special.
Me being special is not what would prevent me from heartache.
Maybe even what could deepen it.

Sometimes, I console myself with the whole idea that I am not ready to love.

By console, I mean, I tell myself “Well it is kind of good that this person doesn’t like you”, you know.

Like if they did, then you would have to be in an immature love which will eventually crumble.

I am not emotionally fit for that right now.

I am not ready to love the way that I need to love…
And be loved.

So how is it do I need to love and be loved?

The kind of love where I put my creator first at every instant of it.

The kind where one or both party is ready to flee at any sight of one being toxic to the other.

The kind where both parties are free to live independently, without fear of the other being taken away.

Which brings us to the most crucial aspect; Trust.

The first guy I was ever in a serious relationship with used the concept of trust to lure me.

“I think the most important thing in a relationship is trust” He said. At that moment, I fell.

Trust is of utmost importance. I mean I am someone that hates the idea of not being able to trust someone.

I want to trust everyone even if it is at the expense of my sanity.

Trust is of utmost importance.

Another thing I think is important also is Gratitude.

I think having a spouse that is grateful to have you is equally beautiful.

It makes them value you and would try very hard not to mess things up.

Imagine if at this stage, some days I feel like I am unable to survive because I lack this love from this said person, imagine if I were to be in a relationship with this person?

Maybe I fall harder or lesser in love.

But imagine if it were to be the worst case scenario where I fall harder in love with him.

I would be willing to give it all up, all the things that I stand for, no matter what he does be it good or bad, I wouldn’t be able to leave.

This is the love that I fear.
I fear a love where I cannot be able to leave at the sight of danger.

I fear a love where I am unable to leave at the sight of disobedience to my Lord.

I fear a love where I am unable to leave at the sight of injustice done to others, even if it isn’t me.

I think what I need is a “Productive Love”, If anything like that exists.

Where the person I love respects me, my ideologies, the kind where I feel safe to be myself around that person.

The kind where my emotional, mental awareness matters to the person.

The kind where we feel deeply enough for each other that we fear being consumed by that depth.

Where we want the best interest for each other.

Where we do not want any of the party involved falling so deeply that it goes against what we stand for.

Sometimes I feel this is not too much to ask for, but it is actually.

It is too much to ask of someone to think about your emotional, mental and physical reactions to everything.

But that is exactly what ruins us. The fact that we are ready to give it all up, for just one person whom we claim to love.

And most atimes, It is because we cannot live without them.

Today I came to realization that I want someone who would love me more than I love myself.

Which is sad, because how could we expect someone to love us more than we love ourselves?

How could I expect someone to cater for my health more than I cater for myself?

The main stimuli for this write up, is the rise in deception amongst marriages these days.

The fact that we watch our spouse be a part of injustice, but our tongues become tied, simply because we do not know what would happen if we lose our beloved.

What happened to our morals?
Does it suddenly whoosh away when we fall in love?

Your spouse rapes someone.
Or your spouse is gay or lesbian and got married to you just to cover it up.
Or your spouse is a cultist.
Or your spouse is aggressive and beats you everyday.

And you say, you are still married to him/her because you love him/her. Really???

Some say the writeups popularly posted on blogs on instagram or facebook are mostly made up.

But if I choose to believe that they aren’t, then there is so much we need to focus on…

For the most parts, the contemporary one is one where one of the spouse cheats.

I get so sick of this generation for excusing a heinous act such as cheating. We have accepted it as a norm.

Never will it ever make sense that you bring pain to one whom you claim to love.

Maybe that is some sort of love that I will never come to understand.

But for what is worth, It is sad that marriage which ought to be something sacred has turned into a game of deceit.

We complain of a rise in divorce, but now that I have thought about it, it isn’t that much a bad idea that there is a rise in divorce.

It just shows that people aren’t willing to put up with people’s madness or games of deceit.

I hope we are able to give people the confidence to come out of a marriage where their significant other violates them, their religion or other people alike.

So, you just read about my kind of love. What is your kind of love?

If you are already in love, do you feel you are in a “productive” kind of love?

Don’t forget to be owlsome.