Secured Attached; The Golden Boy Of Attachment Theory

I was having a discussion on Attachment theory and I shared the various attachment style type with the person and he quickly said “Secured is the goal”

And that really is it. You just cannot read about attachment theory and not aspire to be a secured attached.

Secured attachers, unlike their counterparts report positive experiences with close relationships

They don’t experience the internal turbulence(anxiety,shame, and intense fear of abandonment) that insecure attachers experience, which is why we don’t see them much in movies(simply because they are not dramatic)

They hardly have dramatic experiences with relationships

I always say this to aspiring parents that if they can give one gift to their children, that they will forever be indebted to them, it is that they strive to ensure they are secured.

How Secure Attachment Is formed

Secure attachment I have come to understand can be formed in two ways:

1. Having responsive caregivers at ages of  0-2 who provided most of the following to their children:

1. They are said to be held and cuddled consistently
2. When they cried or reached out to their parents their parents responded to them(so any culture that is against reaching out to a crying child is doing the child more harm than good)
3. Their caregivers were attuned to them.

And also, we have chances of becoming more secured attached if we fall into a relationship with a person that has a secured attachment(so look out also for the people you date)

The following are some of the characteristics of the secured attached(based on what I have read so far):

1. They exhibit healthy independence and interdependence. They thrive both out of relationships and in relationships
2. They are able to self soothe(good emotional regulatory skills)
3. They are okay with closeness and intimacy in relationships
4. They are comfortable being vulnerable
5. They communicate effectively
6. They are comfortable enforcing and communicating their boundaries
7. They have realistic expectations about relationships
8. They are comfortable feeling their feelings without needing or having to distract themselves from their emotions.
9. Comfortable negotiating and meeting the needs of their partner(while also asking for their own needs)
10. Comfortable asking and receiving love and also help

Does this sound like you? If yes. Then congratulations. If not then it is okay. Attachment styles are not set in stone and can be worked on.

Next week we dive into one of the insecure attachment styles

  • Are you curious to know what your attachment style is?

Take this quiz to find out:

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