The Villains of Attachment theory: The Dismissive Avoidant

If attachment style was a story the protagonist on the surface would likely be Anxious Preoccupied and the antagonist would likely be Dismissive avoidants

When you first become aware of attachment theory it is easy for you to at first glance see Dismissive avoidants as the sole villains

The bad guys of attachment theory. Every comment section of a post on Attachment theory is rift with complains about them

But the thing is; avoidants are also struggling with their own traumas.

They did not choose to be the way they are. And often times they are not even aware of what they are doing.

Life isn’t as easy for them as we tend to make it seem.

Dismissve avoidants tend to express themselves out of a net of their fears and their feelings.

Their core wounds is mostly centred around the fear of being defective and also the fear of being rejected which governs the lot of the things that they do

They don’t want to be seen as weak or incapable.

The tricky thing about this whole Dismissive avoidant thing is their tendency to attract and be pursued by anxious Preoccupied.

Which is mostly where most of the hate they get come from-Anxious Preoccupied.

Anxious Preoccupied are most triggered by DAs.

If you have read all that I have written about APs then you know how tough it must be for this dynamic to be together

Surfacely tougher for the Anxious Preoccupied but deeply tough for the dismissive avoidant too since they get triggered too

How the DA developed

The DA developed either as a result of chronic neglect of their emotions as a child

Or just like other attachments one can become a DA by being in toxic relationships

The major characteristics of DAs include;
1. Intensely valuing independence
2. Ability to set boundaries
3. Less likely to people please
4. More likely to lean on “logic” than feelings
5. Able to Self soothe(they self soothe too much)
6. Likes to communicate through Actions
7. Requires a lot of space
8. Dislikes Conflict in a relationship
9. The DA is not comfortable being vulnerable

If this is you or your partner, then know that this is something that can definitely be worked on.

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